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My Imperfect Story

My morning pages practice is 90 days strong, and I finally decided to share my thoughts out here. I want to discuss and connect with anyone that finds these ideas compelling. Anyone who might have gone or is going through something similar. The decision to publish on Medium, as you will find out soon, is far from simple in my mind.

As an individual with a balanced personality type, I’m inclined to overthink everything. In fact, my thoughts get so complex I get physically exhausted and stressed. I have gone through college chronically exhausted and I never thought it could be an issue. I wasn’t aware of this until I went through a psychometric assessment recently.

In high school, it was easy to blame it on ADHD. Can’t focus? Bam, you have ADHD. Can’t get shit done? Adderall, here you go. Lots of kids use it. A friend suggested it and I said what the hell.

It was a remarkable experience. I could get my work done immediately. In fact, in one day I completed two months worth of assignments. When I finished at 2 AM, my hyper-focused mind was asking for more stimulation. So I read about 200 pages from New Ideas from Dead Economists. It was mandatory reading for economics. Senior year of high school.

I knew it wasn’t me. Instantly, I could feel my left hemisphere overdriving. But so did the right hemisphere. I could feel the imbalance. I struggled to control myself. Trapped in my mind, by myself, with my thoughts, and emotions.

I never went down that road again. Nowadays, I feel like I haven’t genuinely liked anything I worked on for most of my professional life. What’s more, I’m still confused about my professional aspirations.

Sure, if I were diagnosed with ADHD I may have achieved most of the things I thought I wanted all these years. But I would never realize something was wrong. That I didn’t accept myself for what I was.

I would’ve never achieve the state of awareness and gratitude.

For the past few years, I’ve been following thought leaders in technology and business. I would get so inspired and I would crave getting to know these guys in person. All I wanted was to discuss and learn from the vast experience and success they’ve achieved. See how and why they did things the way they did.

I thought I’d have to become like them if I wanted to talk to them. I pretended to be a born business person, a marketer, and a software salesman. I thought I needed to make a genius product or work at the fastest-growing startup to prove I’m worth talking to.

All this time, I would want to talk to people. To have valuable conversations. To share wisdom. Most of the time, I wouldn’t come close to a fulfilling discussion. I would spend all this time planning if-that-then-this scenarios in my head.

I would want to write, but I wouldn’t consider anything the right opportunity. Or the right audience. Or the right medium. Or the perfect story.

Not today.

This is me sharing my imperfect story.